Wow it's been a while! I guess no one reads this, which may be a good thing or a bad thing. =( I don't blame anyone for not reading it, but i don't think i've been like this in a long while, and it's been a really tough month or so. I guess it's finally settling in, the problems that i've had in my heart for a while, but pushed aside because i was too busy with softball to deal with. ANd when school came around, i would just ignore it because i had to focus on my last year nad study or tried to work on friendships here, but i'm so alone here it's killing me. Lost with my thoughts and bitterness about things I can't seem to solve in a positive way. BUT the worst part about this all is that I know i'm dragging all of those around me down too. Or just pissing them all off, and gradually pushing them away. It's like i'm SO bitter that i don't want anyone around me being happy because they seem to not have this problem. And i know once this area in my life goes down, so do ALL my other things. School work fades, friendships fade, and worstly, relationship with God starts to fade. My dependence on Him for what's best for me just seems non-existant. And i've been at church long enough to know exactly what the problem is, but i can't seem to climb out of this hole. I guess it's like falling to oblivion, where no one seems to be there to catch me.
Maybe it's all the stress of school, grad school, future, relationships all adding together, and i thought that i could handle all of it, but maybe i'm not that strong. Or not even close to as strong as i thought i was. I think i need God more than ever at this point, but shame and probably satan keeps holding me down. I can tell myself otherwise and look up biblically why i should have this inherent joy, and i can even ask "friends" but when the lights go out, it's just me. And once again i'm all alone lost in my thoughts, frustrations and it just cycles all over again.
"Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord;
O Lord hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.
...
O Isreal, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins"
Psalm 130: 1-8
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